


Prayers

by OldTimeStars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-25 04:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21350290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OldTimeStars/pseuds/OldTimeStars
Summary: Dean prays to Cas and apologizes.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	Prayers

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Jensen saying that Dean is going to pray to Cas in 15x09.

'I think it's time for me to move on.'

These words have been haunting Dean for weeks. He tries his best to not think about them which is partly why he's been working nonstop. He spends his days at the bunker cleaning his guns, sharpening his blades, looking on his laptop for any unusual deaths or disappearances, packing his bags and hitting the road with Sam. They'll be gone for a few days to catch and kill the monster and come back home to do it all over again. 

Sam has suggested a few times that they take a couple days off to recharge and Dean agreed. Twice. The other times Dean found himself unable to sit still for very long and went out to hunt by himself. Dean knows that Sam knows he's in a bad place right now. He sees it in the look Sam gives him every time he says he's found a case. Sam tries to talk to Dean about the things have been going on lately, and most of the time Dean lets him. They talk about Mary, Rowena, sometimes Chuck, but the second Sam brings up Cas, Dean shuts him down.

Dean has only spoken of Cas once. It was the day after Cas left; Sam asked Dean where he was and Dean replied, "not here."

Sam frowned. "Did he say where he was going?"

"No. He just said it was time for him to move on."

"Move on? What does that mean?"

"It means he's gone," Dean said harshly, "and he's never gonna come back."

Sam looked taken aback. "What? Why? What happened?"

"We got in a fight and..." He trailed off. He couldn't bring himself to repeat the awful words he said to Cas. He rubbed a hand across his face and said, "look, it's over, he's gone. So just drop it, okay?"

"But he-"

"I said drop it, Sam!" Dean stormed off to his bedroom where he ended up spending the rest of the day.

Which is where he is now. He and Sam have just gotten back from a hunt a couple of hours ago. It's late and he's exhausted. He doesn't mind though because that's usually when he can get to sleep without hearing those words, 'I think it's time for me to move on.' Sometimes, when he's tired enough or when he drinks enough, he can get away with falling asleep without thinking about all of the shit going on in his life. On those merciful night he can just lay his head down, close his eyes and be snoring within a few minutes.

Unfortunately, tonight is not one of those nights. 

Tonight, every time he tries to close his eyes he sees his mother's lifeless corpse in his arms. He sees Chuck burning the life out of his adopted son. He sees his friend jumping into hell, sacrificing herself to save the world. And he sees Cas. He sees the hurt on his face after Dean spit out the venomous words he desperately wishes he could take back. He sees Cas deciding to do what's best for himself. He sees Cas walking up the stairs and out of Dean's life for good. 'I think it's time for me to move on.'

He can't bear it. All of the pain and the guilt. It's not like when Cas was dead, or like the time Dean had to tell Cas to leave so it wouldn't affect the chances of Sammy healing. Cas chose to leave. Because of Dean. 'I think it's time for me to move on.'

Dean sits up. Why did he have to be such an asshole? Why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut for once in his goddamn life? He was like a wrecking ball, destroying everything in his path. And now he's lost one of the people he loves most.

'I think it's time for me to move on.'

Dean misses Cas so much he can't think straight. He just wants to talk to him, let him know how sorry he is. He considers calling him, but Cas would take one look at the name on the screen and ignore his phone. If he even still has it. The only way to reach Cas now is by praying to him. So Dean takes a deep breath and tentatively says, "Castiel? It's me... It's Dean."

'Dumbass,' Dean thinks, 'of course he knows it's you.' He shakes his head at himself before continuing.

"Look, I know I'm the last person you wanna talk to right now. And I know that I have no right to ask you any favors, but could you please hear me out? Just this once and then you'll never have to deal with me again if you don't want to.

"I'm sorry. For what I said, for how I treated you. I was such a dick. After what happened with Mom and Jack and then with Chuck, it was all too much. I felt like everything I did and everything I've been through was all for nothing. Like it was all a lie, part of some twisted puppet show Chuck made for a laugh. I got angry. I was so angry and I took it out on you. But that's no excuse. I know that.

"I didn't mean what I said. I didn't mean any of it. Cas, I need you to know that I don't blame for what happened to Mom. It was easier to let you think that then tell you why I was using you as a punching bag.

"You said we were real. I wanted to believe you, but I just couldn't. Because what if the only reason we were friends was because Chuck wanted it that way? What if how I felt about you was only just a part of Chuck's plan?" Dean pauses. He's never been this close to revealing one of his most deepest secrets. He wonders if he's mostly been trying to hide it from the rest of the world or from himself.

He can feel his heart pounding in his chest. Part of him wants to stop, but he knows he has to keep going. He owes Cas the truth. And plus, it would be nice for him to finally admit what he's been keeping bottled up inside him for eleven years. 

"Truth is, I don't think of you as a brother. Never have. I just said that because I was afraid to admit that I was in love with you. That I am in love with you."

He said it. He actually said it. Dean can't believe how simultaneously difficult and easy it was to say that aloud. On one hand he's afraid by admitting that he's screwed up things even more, but on the other hand it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his chest. Terrifying and liberating at the same time.

"I never really wanted to hurt you. I know that's probably hard for you to believe, but I hate myself for what I said to you. And I'll spend every day for the rest of my life wishing I could go back and change things. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I just need you to know that I'm sorry."

He looks around the room. He doesn't know what he's expecting. It's not like anything is going to change. The damage has already been done. 

There's no way Dean can get to sleep any time soon now. So he grabs his laptop and searches for one of the movies he and Cas watched on one of their movie nights. He decides on Tombstone. The one with the cowboys and tuberculosis as Cas described it.

About halfway through the movie, Dean's phone starts ringing. It's a call from a number he doesn't recognize. 'It's not him,' he tells himself. 'Don't get your hopes up.' With a shaky hand he answers his phone. "Hello?"

"Hello, Dean."

Dean's heart stops for a moment. It's been so long since he's heard the angel's voice, but he would recognize it anywhere.

"Cas?" Dean asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

"It's me," Cas responds. "I, uh... I heard your prayer."

Dean swallows, nervous for where this conversation is going to go. "Yeah?"

"I didn't know you felt that way about me."

"Well, I do. I always have."

Cas doesn't say anything for a moment. Dean worries that he made a mistake by telling Cas how he feels. Cas probably doesn't reciprocate those feelings. But if that's true then why did he call? 

"You there, Cas?"

"Yes, I'm here. I'm sorry, I just..." His voice sounds uneven. "I miss you, Dean."

Suddenly, Dean feels a lump in his throat. "I miss you too," he chokes out. "So much."

"Would you like to meet up tomorrow? So we can talk?"

"Yes," Dean says too quickly. "Tell me the time and the place and I'll be there."

"Okay." Dean can hear the smile in Cas' voice. "I'll text you the address."

"Sounds like a plan."

Cas sighed. "Well, I should probably get going. I have a long drive ahead of me."

"Yeah, okay." Dean tries to shove down his disappointment. "I'll let you get to it, then. Have a good trip."

He's about to hang up the phone when he hears Cas say, "Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Dean's breath catches. Less than an hour ago he thought he would never see Cas again. And now Cas is telling him he loves him. He can't contain the emotion in his voice when he replies. "I love you too."

Cas sounds just as emotional. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah. See you."

"Bye, Dean."

"Bye, Cas."

Dean's heart soars. He's actually going to see Cas in less that twenty-four hours. He can't believe it. He's so nervous and excited. He knows there's still miles to go if they're going to work everything out, but for the first time in a long time, he feels hope.


End file.
